What does it take to grow a church?

The following account is purely fictional and is intended to be taken as satire with a point...

There once was a young Bible College graduate. He wanted to know how to grow a church and what was the best method to employ. So he sought out all the nation’s biggest churches and pastors to ask them this question: What should I do to grow my church?

Rick Warren said, “Start with the unbelieving people in your community and ask them what they would want to do at church if they were to come.”

Craig Groeschel said, “Make the trendiest, hippest videos you can that will reach the lost in the most relevant way.”

Perry Noble said, “Have your worship band play AC/DC’s Highway to Hell on Easter Sunday and you’re sure to draw a big crowd!”

Andy Stanley said, “Don’t get focused on teaching doctrine, just teach Jesus. And you will grow your church.”

Joe Osteen said, “If you think it can happen, it will happen. You can do this! You have the power within your own mind to accomplish it!”

Francis Chan said, “Forget about growing your church! Have some homeless people move in with you and love them!”

Bill Hybels said, “I am sorry about the way I used to grow my church. I want to really learn to do it differently now.”

Finally, after hearing so many different and conflicting views, he asked his home church pastor of a small congregation of under 200. Here is what his wise old pastor said, “Son, you grow in your own fear and wisdom in the Lord. Teach whoever will listen to you to love God and His Word and to look to His Word for all the questions in their life. You help them understand His Word. You do that, and after a lifetime, God will grow everything the way it needs to be grown.”