I struggle with depression...

A New Yorker was down in Texas on business. He rented a car and was out in the country. There was a collision between a farmer in a pickup truck pulling a horse trailer. The trailer was overturned and the New Yorker was thrown out beside the road.

Several months later he tried to collect damages for his injuries. And the lawyers from the insurance company protested and said, “But we have the police report and you said at the scene of the accident that you didn’t have any injuries.”

He said, “Let me explain. There was the collision. I’m laying there on the side of the road and shortly a Texas Ranger shows up. He walks over to the farmer who is kneeling by his wounded horse. The farmer says, ‘It’s hopeless. His leg is broke.’ The ranger pulls out his pistol and shoots the horse. Then he walks over to me and says, ‘Are you okay?’”

Well a lot of us feel like that guy. When it comes to talking about sickness and our injuries and our illnesses and healing, we don’t exactly know how to articulate what we believe.

Let me begin by saying this: I struggle with depression. That little sentence is hard for me to write. It’s hard for me to write and admit on many levels. I am a guy. I am supposed to have it all together. I’m supposed to not let things get to me. I’m a pastor. I am the answer guy. I am the guy that people come to when they are depressed and are asking for help.

I am not supposed to be dealing with this. But I am. I have been for many years. And only a couple years ago did I actually sit down with my doctor to talk about it. She ended up prescribing a low dose anti-depressant for me that I take every day.

It has certainly helped but it still hasn’t taken it all away. There are days (and sometimes weeks) that are very hard for me. Now listen, I have become a master at putting on a good face. I know how to do image management.

But when I am alone in my thoughts or in quietness for too long, I am all too aware of wanting to sink low. Why is that? Why have I battled this for so long?

Shouldn’t I be above such struggles? Is my faith not where it should be? Is there some secret sin in my life that is unconfessed? Am I a hypocrite?

I preached a sermon series on healing a couple years ago because of this struggle in my life. I believe that God always answers the request for healing, but sometimes the answer is no. I also believe that God uses the skilled knowledge of doctors and medicines to heal as well.

So a couple of thoughts on depression that I have come to terms with:

1.     Dealing with depression does not mean that you have a weak faith or hidden sin. Of course, those things may be true but you cannot make that conclusion based on the fact that someone has depression. Christians of all theological backgrounds and different faith levels still get sick or struggle with depression. And most Christians die of disease. Most Christians do not live to a ripe old age of 100 and die peacefully in their sleep. Most Christians I have known in my life died of disease. This was true in New Testament times. And the early church never rebuked the sick for their failure to name and claim their healing. There are sick saints all throughout the New Testament.

In Philippians 2, Paul mentions Epaphroditus. He was so sick Paul thought he was going to die. No doubt that Paul had prayed for him several times. In 2 Timothy 4 Paul writes that he had to leave Trophimus on the island of Miletus. That’s interesting because Paul is very lonely at the end of 2 Timothy 4 and he’s begging Timothy to come quickly. Paul wanted company but one of his dearest coworkers he had to leave on an island because he was too sick to travel. Timothy is told in 1 Timothy 5 to drink a little wine for his stomach’s sake and for your frequent illnesses.  

And even Paul said in Galatians 4:13, “As you know, it was because of an illness that I first preached the gospel to you.” (NIV) This is very interesting to me that so many of Paul’s coworkers dealt with sickness especially when you read Acts and you know that Paul had a healing gift. Just because someone has depression does not mean that they have a weak faith. 

2.     Don’t miss out on the lessons. There is much evil in this world. Often God blesses his children not with the absence of trials but with the presence of more grace. I am not prepared to say, like some, that God always wills or predetermines our sicknesses. I think most of our illnesses are just the fallout of a marred creation. But I am quite prepared to say that God can accomplish his will in spite of and even through the random evils we encounter. 

The way he does that is by granting us spiritual strength in the midst of temporal weakness. So for example, Paul says of his thorn in his side, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:8-9, NIV) 

I have learned to look for the lessons in this struggle with depression. God hasn’t taken it away from me (not for lack of prayer on my part) but I do want to be able to see what it is He still wants me to see. I know that in my struggle He is made strong in my weakness. So I trust. 

Let me ask you a question, is it possible sometimes that we want healing more than we want God? That’s something I really asked myself. Remember when Satan came to God regarding Job? Satan said that all Job cared about are the handouts. God said, “Not Job. Job will love me even if he is not healthy. Go ahead and touch his body because Job will still look to me.” God knew Job wanted the Lord more than he wanted healing. 

Deliverance is a wonderful and gracious gift of God but so is perseverance. The ability to persevere on a strength greater than you have yourself is a wonderful gift of God. So sometimes healing does not come so that you can get something better. That’s what I am trusting in. 

Sometimes it is our hope that most gathers the attention of the world. What did Peter say? He said we better be ready to give an answer for the hope that we hold dear. 

We have a God sovereign and gracious who will give us whatever we need in the moment to be able to keep holding on no matter what we are facing. I need to remember that. He’s already proved enough. So I will give Him glory in the light or in the dark! No matter what, He will be glorified!