For the first week I was here, he would come pick me up and
drive me around so that I got familiar with the city. He went calling with me.
He just made sure I felt comfortable in my new role as the preacher of the
church.
I did. At least, I put on airs that I did. I was still young
and dumb. I was arrogant and too proud to realize how risky some of the
decisions I made were. I believe, overall, that I have had a successful
ministry. If you are measuring success by the size of the church…to be honest,
it hasn’t changed a ton.
Well, that’s not entirely true. The first Sunday I preached
at The Fort there were 45 people in attendance. Since then we have grown. But
we’re no mega-church. We are who we are. A small church with imperfect people
and an even more imperfect preacher.
I do have some regrets, mind you. There have been times I
have said things I wish I could have taken back. But like toothpaste squeezed
out of a tube, once you say it, it is pretty hard to put it back where it came
from. In anger I have intimidated people, I have pushed and manipulated for
things that I wanted to happen at the church…sometimes at the expense of other’s
feelings.
When I encountered relational struggles in my ministry, I
was all-too-quick to point out their “issues” but very, very slow to see any of
my own. At times, honestly, I really blew it. I genuinely wasn’t there when
people needed me to be there.
There have been people that I just didn’t care for and I
wouldn’t go see them. Not that I didn’t know I should…but I didn’t want to. So
I didn’t. And I am no better for it.
There have been people that I liked too much, and I might
have smothered them with my insatiable desire to have more and more affirmation
that I am a good preacher.
There were times when, preparing for a sermon, I just got
lazy and I copied someone’s idea or I just didn’t really put any effort into
the preparation at all. And it showed.
But in spite of all of that…in spite of me…God has been
good. He has helped people to move to places they did not know they could
spiritually and I was allowed to be a small part of that process. He has brought
people from darkness to light, from addiction to freedom, from desperation to
hope…and I got to witness it up front and close.
Fifteen years is a long time. I am definitely not a perfect
person…but by God’s grace He still chooses to use me. What a God!? Who could
think that someone as messed up and imperfect like me could be used by God in
such a way?!
I can’t promise I won’t blow it again. I can’t promise I won’t
be a little person at times scheming to get my own prideful way. I can’t
promise that every sermon is going to be something I put together with my whole
heart. But I can promise that I will be available for whatever is next and
however God chooses to use me.
